Friday, June 10, 2005

Ten Things ...

Key is fussing. I've just returned from battling the evil creepy crawly in my bathroom (or to be precise the parallel universe in my bathroom closet).

Ten Places (real or not) I Will Never, Ever Visit Under Any Circumstances Whatsoever (in no particular order):

  1. The Clinton Monument: aside from the fact that it doesn't (yet) exist, I do not look forward to visiting the giant phallic symbol (what other form could it take?) dedicated to the man who, with the help of Hillary, set back feminism 20 years.
  2. California: we have plenty of ocean and sunshine on the east coast, dog! Of course, we don't have any decent vineyards, but then again neither does CA. I want a vineyard in Italy. How much do you think those go for? I've got a-buck-fity. Think that's enough? Maybe just some land - and I'll plant my own grapes. I want a few hundred acres that come with their own bare-chested farm-hands (or whatever you call those guys who tend the vineyards; big, sweaty Italian men).
  3. Asia: too far, too hot, too dusty, too marshy, too crowded; though I would like to thank India for curry and some of the best literature ever.
  4. Paris: armpit of the world, according to my brother. I will not dishonor his memory by visiting the place he visited so that I would not have to. Thanks, bro!
  5. The Ozarks: banjo-playing, toothless, inbreeding Hell, rivaled only by the mountainous regions of Georgia and all of West Virginia. All apologies to my West Virginian friends; get out while you can!
  6. Texas: cowboys, bad tourism commercials, country music, rodeo clowns
  7. Greenland: NOT green; funny story about that - the Vikings, taking a break from raping and pillaging tried conning; they convinced some locals that they would be able to grow food in Greenland (the Vikings made up the name in the very first and arguably biggest real estate scam), where the grass is always green and the soil always fertile; the locals peacefully packed up and went to this so-called Eden, where of course they discovered solid ice and all starved to death; the Vikings did not, however, enjoy this non-violent approach and promptly invaded Ireland.
  8. La La Land: I know way too many people who have been there, never to return. Ignorance may indeed be bliss, but awareness is more interesting.
  9. South America: rainforests kill!
  10. Eastern Europe and Germania: got to be the most depressing place on earth. Have you seen the literature and fine art that comes out of Eastern Europe? Even their languages are depressing. Russia's supposed to be all democratic and capitalist now -- or in the lexicon of the New Right, "free" -- and yet it's just as depressed, repressed, and oppressed as ever.


At 6/11/2005 3:19 AM, Blogger Mule Manning said...

Until you ride through some of those stretches of West Virginia that I have, you cannot say Ozarks. Fucking West Virginia STILL has out-houses . . . IN THE FUCKING US OF A!!!!!!!!!


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