We're through - it's over - I want a divorce

Dear Republican Party,

I am leaving you. I can longer continue this marriage. I cannot blame you entirely for the failure of our relationship. Though I loved you once, I think perhaps I fell in love with an idealized image of you. It’s like when I was teenager and I fell in love with Cary Grant. I didn’t love Cary Grant the old (and later dead) man (that would have been creepy). Rather it was the black and white and colorized versions of the screen legend. He was funny and mysterious and gorgeous as Mortimer Brewster in Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) and C. K. Dexter Haven in Philadelphia Story (1940) and Walter Burns in His Girl Friday (1940).
Similarly, I loved a much older and more idealized version of you, Republican Party. I loved you as the party of Alexander Hamilton and Abraham Lincoln. I loved you for being the party that was the watchdog for liberty and civil rights. You were the conservative party back when “conservative” had no moral or ethical connotations. I long for the day when “conservative” meant protecting freedom by preserving the integrity of the constitution and changing that precious document only if said change would enhance our freedoms, not limit them.
That brings me to the issue of your girlfriend. Yes I know all about her and I can longer brook your infidelity with that whore, the Moral Majority (who, by the way, is neither moral nor a majority). Since you started pandering to your new mistress (sometime during the Clinton era), you have changed and I have lost all respect for you. I have waited patiently for you to get over your infatuation with her and emerge from your midlife crisis, but I can wait no longer. I can’t even believe I’ve waited this long to leave you. I feel foolish for ever thinking you would come back to your roots. I simply cannot see myself standing side by side with a moralistic, judgmental, condescending, spineless bastard like you. Examples? You want examples? Okay ….
1. Abortion: no, I haven’t changed my mind about it – I still think abortion is evil. However, you have allowed MM to make it a moral issue, rather than the women’s health issue it really is. Your mistress is so busy trying to “punish” unwed mothers, that she actually fails in her supposed mission of protecting the unborn. And don’t even try to say it’s not about punishment. Of course it is. Why else would MM be in favor of abortion in cases of rape and incest but not in cases of consensual sex? Because in the former instance, the unexpectedly pregnant woman did not mean to have sex outside of marriage and in the latter she did. Clearly it’s about the INTENTION of the woman and not the INNOCENCE of the unborn. Your current position on abortion is intellectually dishonest AND morally untenable. You’re supposed to be the party of reason and intellect.
2. The War on Terror: You know and I know that we waged war on terror long before you came up with a silly label for our global-intelligence-gathering-counter-insurgency efforts.
3. The Patriot Act: what a load of malarkey this is! There is nothing patriotic about this document and you should be ashamed for supporting it. Shame, shame on you! Our forefathers are surely rolling over in the graves. By the way, your recent use of the word “patriot” as a weapon against dissent is tyrannical. How could you?!
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is “NO.” This has nothing to do with another party. No, I am not seeing the Democratic Party. No, I do not have another party lined up after you. This isn’t about anyone else; this is about us. However, I will be looking, now that I’m single. Please do not respond to the following ad if you see it in your local newspaper:
Irish-American beauty, female, 36 seeks political party for committed relationship. Will respond to all 3rd party inquiries; no Republicans or Democrats.

Love,
Ophelia